The unfortunate truth

“…For in virtually any other serious sickness, a patient who felt similar devistation would by lying flat in bed, possibly sedated and hooked up to the tubes and wires of life-support systems, but at the very least in a posture of repose and in an isolated setting. His invalidism would be necessary, unquestioned and honorably attained. However, the sufferer from depression has no such option and therefore finds himself, like a walking casualty of war, thrust into the most intolerable social and family situations. There he must, despite the anguish devouring his brain, present a face approximating the one that is associated with ordinary events and companionship. He must try to utter small talk, and be responsive to questions, and knowingly nod and frown and, God help him, even smile. But it is a fierce trial attempting to speak a few simple words.”

– William Styron, Darkness Visible: A Memoir of Madness (emphasis added)

I can’t even rest in my sleep. My dreams are soaked in memories I’d rather forget. The loss of very close family members, the loss of my dog (who saved my life – a post is for another day)… It’s like this disease wants me to stay trapped in its web. My body is still so drained for what seems like “no reason”…

I wish my doctor would call.

Only 2 weeks until I go back to therapy.

I can do this. I just have to hold on for as long as it takes.

I’ve come too far, right? Shit, here come the water works.

I thought being a counselor would be a cure-all; demonstrate that I’d fought this demon possessing my brain once and for all. However, the disease has no idea about my profession; it doesn’t care. It’s a well-known fact it doesn’t discriminate. I didn’t teach it any kind of lesson or fight it into submission. All school did was make me super-aware of my disease and the behavior that accompanies it through self-exploration and education. I can predict the ebb and flow of my disease and attempt the best damage control which is something I’m grateful for on days like these.

Ok. Let’s try this sleep thing again. Maybe without all the dead relatives in my dreams.


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