All I really want

Work wasn’t as bad as coming home. My moods seem to fluctuate between depression and irritation. While this is common for me, I don’t notice I’m in the throws of irritability or its many tandem behaviors/emotions I engage in – anger, passive-aggressive confrontation, cutthroat sarcasm – until I’ve opened my mouth too wide to close. At that point, I usually continue down whatever path I’ve paved for myself (pride is such a bitch), only to come to my senses later, once I’ve reached a place of clarity and humility.

My anger has become something of legend within the confines of my immediate family and close friends. When I was younger, my anger knew no bounds – doors slammed, space violated, names called, insults hurled – I fought dirty. I’ve learned that fighting dirty leaves you feeling that way; what is there to gain from cutting someone down like that? All I would feel was shame and regret; I try to channel these feelings before I open my mouth to argue as a preventive.

My penchant for becoming unreasonably angry at the “smallest” issues has affected all of my relationships – romantic, familial, and platonic. I try to talk myself down, but it doesn’t always work; my fuse is blown. If it’s something I’ve done – something that doesn’t involve others, I’d rather sort it out on my own in my head; being a part of a family doesn’t often afford me that opportunity – a true blessing and a curse.

Sometimes my emotions spill over onto the people around me before I have a chance to understand where they’re coming from. This further complicates my relationships as those around me become frustrated with my mood changes yet worry about my emotional/mental state.

…I still maintain that my definition of “small” may differ from another’s point of view. However, I agree that I have a tendency to become anxious and subsequently irritated with trivial issues. Agree to disagree, I guess.


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