Closer to G-d

I missed my OA meeting Tuesday; I had to go to an appointment with my psychiatrist. I felt like crap though. While in the waiting room, I read my copy of 12 steps and traditions and some of the Big Book (I have them on my Kindle). I’m getting closer each day to Step 1, but I know I need a sponsor. I did plan out my meal plan, but I’d like to discuss it with my sponsor (when I get one) before making any decisions.

My self-esteem hangs in the balance as I continue to soldier through this. I’m to be a bridesmaid for a good friend in a few months; the dress is beautiful yet I fear I will not be beautiful in it. I sat down with the bride yesterday and aired all my concerns and body/self image issues out on the table; I apologized in advance as I realized this was not something the bride needed to be thinking about – but I needed her to understand why I was so hesitant in sending my measurements and in communicating about the dress at all. She said she understood – apparently we weigh the same.

A sigh of relief.

Now to my husband. He’s the most patient, trustworthy, and thoughtful man I know. But I also know that a marriage requires a physical component to function properly. The way I see myself – physically – is consistently negative; it’s difficult to feel worthy or good enough to engage in sex. I feel like a living blob; I have this fear that I’d get on top of him and he’d say I’m crushing his legs or something. Looking at myself in the mirror comes short of causing physical pain; I will rush out of the shower while staring at the floor to avoid the mirror until I grab a towel to wrap around me. My husband constantly makes advances toward me and I shoot them down; mainly because I don’t want to take off my clothes – it kills the mood for me. The dark doesn’t help; when he touches me, I wonder why he’s not disgusted like I am.

So, missing my meeting upset me because – big picture talk – it means a lot to me and my marriage. I have to overcome this overeating problem and gain control of my body and myself so I don’t lose my marriage.

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