I want it. I want it so fucking bad. I can feel the melted chocolate as it flows down my throat.
The thought of eating it makes me want to vomit, but I ordered it anyways. Something about carpe diem or something? No. It’s about anger. It’s about resentment. It’s about hatred. It’s about me.
My sponsor and I talked about acceptance today (yes, I have a sponsor now). I told her I speak to my patients about acceptance along with forgiveness as the two are interconnected.
I haven’t forgiven myself. I haven’t accepted this yet. I know I’m an overeater, logically, but I haven’t forgiven myself.
This is about control, you see? I can’t control this. I am powerless against this. And I’m angry. I am resentful. And I find despite logic, I can’t forgive myself for allowing this “allergy,” this disease to have become so out of control.