Someday we’ll know

I’m detoxing so hard right now.

My body is so weak it hurts all the time. My head is cloudy, my fuse is short. Really, really short. I will unhinge my jaw and swallow you whole for asking the simplest of questions.

Restless? Check.
Irritable? Check.
Discontented? Check.

Yeah. This 3-0-1 plan, on paper, looked easy as pie (Apple pie. Dutch Apple. A la mode. With chocolate syrup and whipped creamALICE!!). Ahem. Easy as hell.

But this is hell. Reading labels, weighing food, measuring food, sending my food log to my sponsor every night – this is what I’ve come to. This is the only way. And I know I’ll get well in time, but right now I need to keep working my program.

My biggest hurdle as I face Step 1 is acceptance. Having been in control (or at least believing I was) for so long, it’s a tall order to admit to others, myself, and to G-d that I’m not only powerless, but I lack the ability to control this disease without the support and assistance from my Higher Power. To me, it speaks to my vulnerability as a human being; I was always taught to rise above that. To be fair, I was also taught to clean my plate, to drink orange juice and milk at each meal, and it was OK to finish a whole package of Rice-A-Roni pasta in one sitting. By myself.

Not healthy messages, I’m aware.

So, how does one admit powerlessness and inability to manage their life and all that’s in it due to disease without oozing vulnerability?

I guess when I figure it out, I’ll be ready for Step 2. Maybe.

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4 thoughts on “Someday we’ll know

  1. Some cultures equate food with love. “Show appreciatiob by finishing the food we’ve worked hard to provide”, cooking someone’s fav dish etc.

    It can be hard to go against the tangled unspoken meanings around consuming food.

    Like

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