I have no idea why I’m crying right now.
It’s really not my problem. It’s not.
It feels like my problem, but it’s not.
I’m shocked and angry I guess.
The hubs graduates from college today. He’s a late bloomer, true, but I’m proud of him nonetheless. Its been a hell of a ride, but he finally did it. He joined my dad’s old fraternity and they’re having a special ceremony for friends and family before the big walkathon with all the caps and gowns and such. My dad is super jazzed about this and so is the hubs. My dad even made a few calls to the head of the regional pooh bah (or something) so he can knight the hubs (or whatever). He’s so excited. They have this bond that’s very… well I wish I’d been given an opportunity to have that bond with my dad too. I guess it’s too difficult for him to connect with me; he’d have to get to know me and maybe even feel something (heaven forbid).
Anyway, this was scheduled weeks ago. Over a month. The hubs’s father won’t come because I will be there. I wouldn’t miss my husband’s graduation – are you kidding me? The hubs says he doesn’t mind because his father has missed all of his other milestone events, so it’s no big deal.
Ok. Yet another free pass given to the man who doesn’t deserve one. But Goddess help me if my mood isn’t just so when he comes home from work. The man is manipulative, disrespectful and selfish to a fault yet when I’m cycling (like I am now), I’m the cunt and I’m the one that gets an attitude adjustment. Ok. As long as we know where I stand in relation to the man.
I get up this morning to find out that Hubs’s brother, the perpetual waif, will also not be joining us. He forgot he had a doctor’s appointment.
This was scheduled weeks ago. You don’t work, you don’t do anything but loaf around the house (and sometimes public) in your goddamn pajamas. You watch copious amounts of television, play Xbox live and surf the internet. You mean to tell me this asshole couldn’t reschedule their appointment for another day? A day that their doing, you know, absolutely butt-fucking nothing?! They had dinner together earlier this week. You mean to tell me the subject never came up?! I call bullshit!
Again, Hubs says it’s no big deal. He plans to go onto higher learning and says his brother can attend that graduation.
His whole fucking family just decided they weren’t coming. Like he wasn’t important enough to make time for. His piece of shit father would rather stand up on (PATENTLY FALSE) principle rather than see his son graduate. His stupid fucking brother isn’t smart enough to have rescheduled his doctor’s appointment for some (likely) imaginary goddamned disease (I swear, it’s likely for acne or jock itch or something – you know, something that could wait until next week) than show up and support his brother. It’s disgusting. But watch, they’ll go out to dinner next week, like they have been every week, as though nothing is wrong.
Because Hubs is like a battered wife. He can get treated any old fucking way and stays. He allows the treatment, doesn’t speak up and lets ESPECIALLY the man manipulate and use him. He defends and won’t leave the man because of his station in Hubs’s life. He’s his only parent and the man knows it. The man takes full advantage of that and attempts to manipulate everyone around him. He couldn’t control me and I wouldn’t allow him to control my mother which is why we don’t speak. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, the next time I plan on seeing that man is when he’s laying in a pine box. You get what you give and he will receive nothing more from me. He doesn’t realize (or care) about how much he’s affecting the Hubs with his actions. He’s the most ignorant and selfish piece of fucking garbage I’ve ever laid eyes on. That’s saying something considering I work in a literal prison. And his brother is just fucking dizzy.
The way they treat Hubs makes me sick. It’s interesting: I banned my mother from our wedding because she disapproved of our getting married. Despite our many, many difficulties she has always been my best friend. It killed a piece of my soul to do that. A daughter usually wants her mother to be there for those sorts of things. But she cut me when she said she disapproved and would do everything in her power to stop my getting married. I knew he was my soulmate and I couldn’t risk it. I’ve spent the last several years trying to prove to her she was wrong about him and wrong on that day. She’s definitely come around and she’ll be there today.
So it’s just my parents, me and my youngest of sisters. Just us. My kin. We’re coming. Because we care. We give a heck. We always will. It’s a goddamn shame that my husband’s family has no idea what that means when you really need them to or it has fuck all to do with them.
But, again, if I huff and puff about something because the bottom drops out of my mood – I’m the asshole. Let’s not forget. Alice is the mealy cunt because she can’t reign in her moods. There’s this expectation of me but not one of the man or brother. It’s absolutely unbelievable. I’m held to a higher standard for what? They’re held to a lower standard because “they’ve always been this way?” Are you kidding me? Like I haven’t?! The man has always been a cocksucker who sees invisible people under his car (but I’m mentally unstable, folks) and the brother has always been forgetful and effectively useless.
“Well you weren’t like this when we were kids.”
… Because we weren’t close when we were kids. I kept my depression, anger and anxiety to myself. And they couldn’t diagnose kids with that back then. I was just “depressed.” But believe me, I was like this. Just unmedicated. Boy was I fun to be around. Ask my mother.