There’s the rub

Last night, I slept like a pancake – a side effect of my anxiety and rapid cycling. My thoughts flew around in my head as though they were on broomsticks. I sat up every so often and watched the clock count down to 6:45 a.m.; I wake up at 7. Fuck.

Work was a blur. I was so busy I didn’t even notice my anxiety or remember yesterday’s depression. Whether or not that’s a good thing, I’ll have to figure out later. In between patients, I could feel myself dragging my ass due to lack of restful sleep. I made sure to leave at quitting time; I’m not trying to overload myself like the past few weeks. I’ve sworn off 11 to 13-hour days; I just can’t and won’t do it in this state anymore.

I feel my body responding to the stress like it did when I was younger. More migraines, more fibromyalgia flare-ups, more panic attacks – all symptoms that had been controlled and almost non-existent since I graduated from college. Funny, I was under less stress in graduate school than I am right now.

I can make sense of someone else’s life, someone else’s pain or triumphs, but little insight into my own. I guess that’s why I’m not my own counselor.

A part of me feels judged being on that side of the desk; a part of me doesn’t care because I need to get my feelings out or they will turn on me and spill over onto other facets of my life. I guess I’d rather deal with whatever judgment exists (or I’ve imagined) and get my shit together than ruin whatever good things I’ve managed to create out here.

Danger Will Robinson

Nothing knocks you out of depression like a panic attack. My heart pumps faster, my thoughts race – everything that was slow about me begins to move at full speed. While I abhor the idea of depending on my rapid cycling to pull me through, it may have saved my ass this time. I don’t think I could have made it through the rest of the week without that bolt of anxiety-ridden lightning.

My doctor called. He put me back on one of my meds; we were trying to wean me off the major ones so my husband and I could start a family. Between the stress at work, unstable finances and other variables that affect my stability, children don’t seem to be in the cards in the near future. As much as me and my husband want them, we’re going to have to wait until we can afford for me to either work part-time or I can set my own full time hours without fear of losing my job (in other words, private practice).

Time to put my theory to the test. Shower and take the rest of my meds. And some self-care something. I’m not trying to push myself this week: a sure-fire way to screw myself over before Tuesday afternoon.